One of the reasons why men tend to freak out about the idea of being a virgin – especially being a virgin past college – is that we’ve grown up in the shadow of a cultural narrative that we believe to be law.
The Standard Virginity Loss Narrative tells us that men are supposed to lose their virginity by a certain age – sometimes by age 18, sometimes by 21.
And believe me, it wasn’t much better for the women I tried to date, either.
I hurt a number of people in my quest to get my dick wet and, at the time, I didn’t care.
My bitterness and resentment made me a prime, self-pitying asshole costs. Like many virgins, I was convinced that doing so would be a cheat or would render it invalid. Long story short different (aside from “holy shit I had sex”). I hadn’t been magically cured of all my ills and insecurities.
It only “counted” if I were able to seduce someone with my own skill and charisma. And my first thought – y’know, besides “lets do it again” – was simply: “Shit. ” That confusion I felt was directly tied to an issue I find a of men have when struggling with their feelings about virginity: the belief that losing their virginity is a major milestone after which everything will be different and better. We fetishize virginity in men his virginity on the other hand…
And one of the best places to start is to talk about sex.
Specifically: male virginity and the shame in ages – talking about the shame and pain of being a male virgin.
Today, I want to start the conversation to help dismantle it.
The fear of being “outed” as a virgin becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.
They so fear rejection for being virgins that they can’t bring themselves to approach women.
We get the Standard Virginity Loss Narrative burned into our minds early on, reinforced over and over again by pop-culture until we start to believe it’s the TRVTH, carved into stone tablets delivered to us at the base of Mount Sinai.
The story turns our sexual development into a performance, just as masculinity is often a performance.